23 June 2010

"I'm going to wear a tuxedo and a top hat with no pants and I'm going to paint my penis with lipstick."

I SIT MY LAST EXAM IN 90 MINUTES. in precisely 10800 seconds, my summer officially begins. Dance for me, please.

Yesterday it came to my attention that the not-so elusive couple Kate Perry and Russel Brand are getting married in ...latex (ironic as, due to Brand's 'ex' (...ha) sex addiction, rubber probably plays a large part in their relationship. Crude, but true).

The latex nun's habit, which featured in Gaga's Alejandro video (and was branded by many critics as the 'highlight'), and the traffic-light-red plastic monstrosity the same woman/ mannequin deemed fit for the Queen (literally) were both designed by the same designer that the 'to-be' couple have asked to take on this... challenge. The Japanese designer, 'Atsuko Kudo' for those of you who want to look her up, is not your average kooky designer, however. The woman is single-handedly trying to bring fetish wear 'out of the bedroom and into the ballroom'. She makes everything from tight rubber dresses to latex berets (which have an unfortunate resemblance to an over sized condom). Weird. Personally, I don't think the latex wedding attire will work out. Then again, I'm just as pessimistic about their marriage.

MOVING ON FROM MY PESSIMISM. My search for the perfect dress is ongoing (and on-failing). It seems that there's always something in my way. I either cant afford it, cant fit in it, cant pull it off or cant bring myself to wear it/all of them at once.
...I'm going to LANDAN on Friday (updates ON THEIR WAY). Maybe I'll find a little treasure there (and not be able to afford it, just my luck).

I also forgot to tell you. Ive fallen in love with Margaux Morris and her amazing collection of barbie jewellery (made OF barbies, not for them). Unfortunately I (again) can't afford any of her unique pieces, I'm going to use the oodles of time I have this summer to (PRO)CREATE (ie. attempt at making my own). Photos/ further info on the barbie massacre will follow (stay tuned).

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand. SIGN OFF PHRASE.

Ps. I'm stupid and forgot to post this post. It was actually written at 12pm (GMT) on 23/06/10 not 26/06/10. I WASN'T NEGLECTING YOU QUITE SO HARSHLY.

17 June 2010

'Perhaps misguided moral passion is better than confused indifference'

Okay, so firstly I apologise for the NEGLECT. I'm sorry if you feel like an abandoned child. Due to exams (that's right, I'm shamelessly transferring the blame) I have had little time or life = no blog. But now I'm free to post to my heart's content (well, officially, I still have one exam, Graphics, but it barely counts). Now for the 'nitty gritty'.

Today my online purchases arrived. Having ordered them on Sunday (but being too stingy to pay the extra £1 for next day delivery), it is somewhat an understatement to say that I was expecting them - and have been for the last 3 or 4 days. Excitable creature that I am, this momentous occasion had fast become the highlight of my week, and one upon which I awaited with baited breath; needless to say when I opened the door to see the little package this afternoon, I was delighted.

The purchases in question were a pair of roll up short shorts and a cute little lace dress I found on boohoo.com, my primary online source of retail therapy. The dress was for my grandparents' golden wedding anniversary dinner which I have to attend in roughly one months time; the shorts because I seem to have expanded over the course of the winter and can no longer fit into the majority of my other pairs (FML).

Anyway, back to the arrival. I scampered upstairs to try on my new found clothing, starting with the shorts. Even though I'd followed the size guide to a T, measuring myself and everything, they were too big. Baggy on the butt and slipping down round the waist, I couldn't help but feel like a misguided teenage boy who believes that wearing his trousers round his knees deems him 'cool'. Gutted, I took them off; I loved the style but the smallest size they sell in is a 10 and, apparently, I'm an 8. So I moved onto the dress, hoping that, in this case, my fevered anticipation hadn't been in vain. It had. The dress wouldn't zip up (EVEN THOUGH IT'S AN 8) and made me look pregnant; two looks which I cannot pull off. So now my purchases are posted and on their way back to the warehouse they came from, leaving me with nothing to do but don my not-new clothes and write this bitter-filled post. My misplaced and, not to mention, totally misguided anticipation remains, however, leaving me with the need to rethink and reshop; I will do this later this evening, following (ugh) rehearsals for a midsummer night's dream at 4pm. Updates on that will follow later; in the mean time, any website tip-offs will be greatly appreciated (though I can't tip myself off, nor have I had a chance to fully 'check it out', the rather aptly named
http://www.missguided.co.uk/ has just caught my eye. Coincidence? I think not)

In other news, my dad has asked me to stop using the phrase 'cool cool', which has become somewhat of a bad habit of mine, and my knee has gone purple, due to the position in which I'm sat.

Now, I'm off to play with Adam's pussy. (Insert cool and catchy signature sign-off phrase which I've yet to discover).

16 June 2010

'De skulle holdt seg unna vannet'

And now...an extremely long STEAL. Becca's promises of hugs (cyber or otherwise) just tempted me too greatly to refuse.

1) What's your mother's maiden name.

2) Name of your first pet?

3) Put the answers to the above together, and you get your hooker's name.
Tom Capps. (i sound like a male cat on heat, YESS)

4) Now some more serious questions. Favourite..... Colour?
It varies depending on my mood, but generally cherry red.

5) Book?
... the ones that get turned into movies are generally good. (YES i do read the books but it's a way of categorising... I'm lazy.)

6) Tv/Movie?
FRIENDS/SCRUBS/ SEX IN THE CITY give me ultimate pleasure.
I also enjoy GLEE/ 90210/ how I met your mother/ The Big Bang Theory.
I HAVE TO ADMIT I LOVE THE DISNEY CHANNEL (sorry) and also 'Teen Cribs'; seeing how the rich kids live both depresses and enthralls me.
My favourite movies are the good ones. I did not enjoy house of wax... the finger chopping and lip ripping is nicht so gut.

7) Drink?
Nothing beats a nice Double Ristretto Venti Nonfat Organic Chocolate Brownie Frappuccino Extra Hot with Foam and Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended. aka. Starbucks coffee. When I grow up I plan to be one of those pretentious laptop owners who sit in Starbucks all day playing pacman (but pretending to do self-important, life-altering things such as essays and articles and business calls).

8) Food?
Mushroom Stroganoff/ Brie/ Camembert/ ORANGES/ Potato croquettes/ breaded mozzarella sticks... oh it's all so very very good.

9) Place?
Big Cities... LANDAN, and, though I've never been, New York. I belong in America.

10) Shop?
OH. WHAT A QUESTION. Well, I adore mod cloth (but I always get there too late and things are sold...), Beyond Retro (they're having a festival chic fashion show AS I SPEAK. God, I wish I could drive), lipsy, Heyday!, and boohoo.com - I do a lot of Internet shopping seen as it generally costs less and can be done on the spur. But I love to do actual shopping too; it seems more personal in a way. In which case I love Topshop, Ark, TK maxx, dotty P's, pulp... and charity shops are always good for a nice bargain (as long as you don't fear looking trampy when someone asks you where you got that dress/ necklace/ top etc). I also love to trawl the Internet looking at the beautiful designer gear that I (SIGH) cannot afford.

11) What's your trademark party trick?
I can lick my elbow. ALTERNATIVELY, I can lie on my front and bring my legs over to touch my toes to my nose... Makes me look like some kind of alien freak and probably damages my spine but the 'gasps' and 'woahs' make me feel special.

12) Ideal future job?
WELL. Ideally I'd travel the world and just work as whatever wherever I was... and pick up and move on whenever I grew bored. But we don't live in an idealistic world so I'll instead be a Barrister in NYC.

13) Visit that ol' urbandictionary.com and type your name in. see what it pukes out, and give us the results.
There are several definitions regarding the name 'Molly'. One involves MDMA, another calls my 10 year old sister a bitch and another speaks of my beauty as 'blinding' (true hilarity). BUT this one made me smile the most:

An intelligent and articulate girl. Molly's are known to be over-achievers who often harbor kinky bedroom habits.
No Molly, you wear the handcuffs this time.

14) Who's your idol?
...this stopped me in my tracks. I harbour adoration for many people (especially Julia Roberts) but I don't think I have an idol. Please feel free to correct me, should you feel that I do IDOLISE someone.

15) Favourite bands?
The King Blues are beautiful; they have a song for every mood I'm in and I love them. 30 seconds to mars (a band with morals... pure adoration), Eminem (who is amazing - whenever I'm upset I just stick this guy on on full and blast the sadness out of me), Nickelback, Lostprophets (NOM), Coldplay, The Calling (absolute beauts), The Used (even though Bert was too busy eating pizza to come see me), Miley Cyrus (but only when she gets it right and doesn't try to be emo/ rock). If it's good I generally like it... music is beautiful and a great way to escape for a while. I especially love unknown artists, because I feel as though they're mine... plus their songs don't get overplayed and ruined.

16) Favourite songs?
This is war - 30 seconds to mars
Photograph - Nickelback
Many the miles - Sara Bareilles
I Got Love - The King Blues
Not Afraid - Eminem
Airplanes (part 2) ft Hayley William and Eminiem - B.o.B
All the pretty girls - F.U.N

17) What are you wearing.... right now. And what you'd prefer to be wearing.
Denim hotpants, tan tights ( I burn if I don't wear them... FML), light blue cami, black cardigan, my y-not festival band, my beautiful necklace and my bracelet. I would LOVE to be wearing leather shorts, a cami and an army style jacket, as styled by Balmain (see photo below, though I would dress with less breastiness and minus the jacket-tail). Unfortunately this would cost me about £7000 (no joke, the shorts cost £2070), or at least for the right stuff. Nor am I 'fierce' enough. I shall instead make do with looking like a tramp.

18) A video
So, before you watch this you should probably be aware that it is based on a quote from the BNP-esq Pat Robertson (not to be confused with Robert Pattinson LOL) with regards to legalizing gay marriage; basically he inferred that it would lead to sex with ducks. This video is pure genius, and Pro-Gay marriage; I'd definitely advise you to look Garfunkel and Oates up (I also enjoy 'pregnant women are smug')

19) A photo.
I love this photo... watch why.

...it can be a reflection or a landscape. And yes, this is my own photo; for once I'm not stealing.

20) Some people you wanna give fame:
'Giving fame' is time consuming; I'm lazy. SO stray your eyes across to that leeeeeeeeeeetle box labelled 'Beautiful People'; they deserve it.

21) Go on wikipedia and click "random article". The title of that will be the title of this post.
I have slightly interpreted this so it is in fitting with my 'uge' (usual posting, ie. a quote)

12 June 2010

'Cause I'm a free bitch, baby'

Dissect Gaga and what are you left with? A legend quite rightly placed alongside Madonna on the Glee trophy shelf? Or a melodramatic blond who sports a variety of different wigs paired with imaginative outfits (of someone else's imagination, let's not forget) and several headpieces that would be considered vulgar if they were, instead, perched on a non-famous head? A living, breathing (and, God knows, singing) mannequin. The question as to precisely why she is famous - for her songs (which frankly are all so 'samey' that in the opening bars it is often hard to decipher exactly which song one should be tunelessly wailing along to)? Or for her 'outrageous' sense of fashion (which isn't really 'hers' but really belongs to the AMAZING designers who clothe her)? - is often quashed by her celebrity status and all that is Gaga.

In reading that you'd be right to assume I am not this new 'man-proof' figure's biggest fan. And yet you'd also be wrong...
I find Gaga to be a somewhat guilty pleasure of mine, not unlike the secret stash of porn which, as a feeble 11 year-old, I was shocked to come across when playing hide and seek in my friend's brother's bedroom. Though I feign disgust when the subject of the figure now being dubbed as the 'queen of pop' inevitably crops up when chatting with my somewhat unhealthily obsessed male friend ( gay and unnaturally yellow-haired... it's to be expected), I cant help but find myself questioning my own line of argument; I'm literally tempted by the dark (or freakishly blond) side. My self-confessed 'Gaygay' friend brought up her recent episode on stage (the breakdown over fears for her sick grandfather) expecting me to be full of witty critique over her newly discovered diva-ish ways and armed with several pre-concocted jokes based around the fact that, just because they've shared a song, Gaga has no right to go Beyonce (who has earned the right to be a Diva Queen and can have any number of staged stage breakdowns; my adoration for this curvy goddess will be unwavering) on our asses. However, and in admitting this I am blushing with pure red-faced shame, I can't help but believe her concern is genuine; she is truly so saddened by Grandpa Gaga's current state of health that she can't even choke out one of those (in)famous tunes.

Even as I sit here writing this post (instead of revising Maths, I confess) two of her songs have played - Bad romance and Alejandro (the latter of which, I must admit, I actually sang along to) - with a promised further 'fix' to come. No doubt the DJ has been inundated with angry text messages now that Alexandra Burke's howls fill our ears.

So, in the same way that bisexuals cant decide between lads and lasses, I find myself almost bi-Gaga; Gaga-curious, if you will. As to whether I'm alone in my confusion I do not know - so far she has appeared to be a 'marmite-girl', you either love her or you hate her, which makes me fearful for my chances. But, whether my conflicting feelings of both enthrall and disgust towards her general 'Lady Gaga-ness' (insert: outrageous) are a shocking rarity, or not, I know one thing for sure:

If the opportunity were to present itself, I would go lesbian for Gaga.

10 June 2010

'youre a LOSER'

For some today is a normal day; for me it is the beginning. The beginning of an end.

LOL jk, I'm just starting this blog.

I'm a 'my glass is half empty - so fill it up' type of 'GAL'; pessimistic, blunt and often judgemental... but in a nice (or at least humorous) fashion. I write in proper English and hate the saying 'it's always in the last place you look' - OF COURSE it's in the last place you look, what kind of imbecile would continue searching after they found what they were looking for?

Though I want to be a Barrister (initially, I wrote that last part with V's as B's by mistake, making me sound like Count Dracula. LOL, hilair), I have a love for journalism so mostly what I write on here will be article-y type things... or just my pure, unaltered, unfaltering (probably wrong) opinion. I may review my day but NEVER will succumb to writing a blow-by-blow, hour-by-hour, 'and-then-I-did-this' account of my day because... well bleurgh. My life is boring enough, never mind enforcing others to suffer alongside me (ALTHOUGH...)

FINALLY, I HAVE TO CONFESS: I'm a blog cheat.
I'm writing this on a computer... not a laptop. And, yes, I realise that nowhere does it state that blogs must be written on laptops. And, yes, I am aware that laptops are just portable computers. But still... it's just not natural. However, come August, I hope to receive a spangly new laptop from my laaaaaavley parents; until then please accept my apologies (which I will take back when said laptop appears).
So, yes, all that's really left to say is:

Hi, I'm Molly and I'm an alcoholic.